" WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU " ? someone asked her with the most concerned look on their face.
" I can't breathe, she said . I mean I can breathe , but it hurts every single time. It's as if I can feel my heart slowly but surely dwindling away. I just want to scream so loud that my voice goes out. I want to break things and knock everything over and just release this anger from my body, but I can't . I have to stay sane. I have to do the right thing , although I'm not sure what that is anymore. I don't want to feel this pain anymore. I just want to run far away, change my name , and start all over. The guy I love hurt me more than I ever thought I was capable of hurting. His mother is very disrespectful towards me. Every where I turn his past is all around him, and he doesn't understand anything from my point of view. I supported every decision he's ever made , but he could NEVER be there for me emotionally. After I had my son I Lost all my friends. The ones I though was real left and doesn't even talk to me anymore. Any friend I ever had betrayed me in some type of way , which hinders me from opening up to anyone else. Everything good that I've ever done in my entire life goes un noticed. I try so hard to help out everyone around me , even the ones that hurt me the most. But when I need someone or need help with anything , no ones ever there to be found. No one ever just asked are you ok , has everything been good , do you need anything. For the longest it seemed as if I worked so hard and NEVER got to spend a dollar on myself , because I was so busy helping everyone else out. I was supposed to be graduating College this year but certain things happened that prevented me from doing so. I have Grown Woman lying on my name for no apparent reason, and as good as a person I am you would think somebody , I mean anybody would speak up and say " No she's not like that" , or thats very disrespectful to her , or maybe you should tell HER how you feel instead of spreading rumors. But no one ever speaks up . Could imagine meeting someone for the first time , or even at an event with a lot of people you don't even know, and they already have a fucked up view of you because of someone else's lies. It's a very uncomfortable feeling. I mean you can't defend yourself because you don't know what the person said so you don't want to look like a crazy person. Then You don't want to o overboard trying to prove yourself to people that probably don't even matter. It's just the very fact that someone thinks you're someone that you're not really bothers you. it make you feel un easy. It makes you mad. But it also makes you feel like a bad person. It makes you question yourself. It makes you wonder if its really you thats the problem . When You deal with so many people doing you wrong , you start to dislike the person you see in the mirror. You start believing the rumors even if you know they aren't true. You begin to see yourself through the world's eyes instead of Gods. You forget who you are so you begin doing for people , going out your way to make everyone else happy, just to show and prove to them that you're not this negative person that they think that you are. You forget your morals , and your beliefs. You lose focus on yourself. You let the devil get to you and it all happens so fast that you don't even realize it . until one day you get out the shower , and you walk up to the mirror and don't even recognize yourself. You don't feel pretty anymore, and you hate what you see. You try to smile but it doesn't make it any better because deep down inside you know theres no real happiness behind that mile. It's Fake. So you're just standing there, in complete silence. the only thing you hear is your heart beating, but somethings not right. You hear your heart beating but for a brief second you don't feel anything. Then Every emotion hits you at once, and you just finally break. The tears fall so rapidly and abundantly that you can't even stop them. And its at that very moment when you think to yourself " where is my life going , is this is , this isn't what i planned. " But your original plans seem so far out of reach that you don't even know if its possible to achieve that plan anymore. No one appreciates the good things that you've done for them , so you feel useless. Your son is the only thing that brings you joy in this world , but it also hurts to know that he doesn't have everyone in his life that should be in his life. Everyone says My so doesn't be around but what people fail to realize is that anytime ANYONE ( besides three people ) sees my son it's because me or his father brought him around. No one comes to see my son, no one asks for him to spend the night or anything, or even spend time with him ( besides my mom ) , but before I had my son I had everybody's kids. Every birthday , Every Christmas , Every Mothers day, I went all out for everyones kids . But my son can't even get a birthday card, or a simple phone call. He's so smart and every time i'm out in public at least 15 people tell me my son is destined to be something in life. It only bothers me because I know how it feels to chase a dream and certain family members don't support or believe in you. I don't want my son to give up on his dreams just because certain family members don't support him. It's hard raising a child when you feel like you could have so much more to offer them , or when you want to show them the world , but you're not where you want to be financially. I'm not where I want to be in my life , and i feel trapped. I feel stuck. I feel like i'm allowing certain circumstances to hold me back from reaching my full destiny. I just wish sometimes that God could literally walk up to me personally and let me know everything is going to be okay, and that everything i'm going through will all be worth it in the end. "
That's everything she wishes she could tell the stranger . but instead she just replies " oh nothing my stomachs been bothering and I feel a little sick", thanks for asking though.
