" WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU " ? someone asked her with the most concerned look on their face.
" I can't breathe, she said . I mean I can breathe , but it hurts every single time. It's as if I can feel my heart slowly but surely dwindling away. I just want to scream so loud that my voice goes out. I want to break things and knock everything over and just release this anger from my body, but I can't . I have to stay sane. I have to do the right thing , although I'm not sure what that is anymore. I don't want to feel this pain anymore. I just want to run far away, change my name , and start all over. The guy I love hurt me more than I ever thought I was capable of hurting. His mother is very disrespectful towards me. Every where I turn his past is all around him, and he doesn't understand anything from my point of view. I supported every decision he's ever made , but he could NEVER be there for me emotionally. After I had my son I Lost all my friends. The ones I though was real left and doesn't even talk to me anymore. Any friend I ever had betrayed me in some type of way , which hinders me from opening up to anyone else. Everything good that I've ever done in my entire life goes un noticed. I try so hard to help out everyone around me , even the ones that hurt me the most. But when I need someone or need help with anything , no ones ever there to be found. No one ever just asked are you ok , has everything been good , do you need anything. For the longest it seemed as if I worked so hard and NEVER got to spend a dollar on myself , because I was so busy helping everyone else out. I was supposed to be graduating College this year but certain things happened that prevented me from doing so. I have Grown Woman lying on my name for no apparent reason, and as good as a person I am you would think somebody , I mean anybody would speak up and say " No she's not like that" , or thats very disrespectful to her , or maybe you should tell HER how you feel instead of spreading rumors. But no one ever speaks up . Could imagine meeting someone for the first time , or even at an event with a lot of people you don't even know, and they already have a fucked up view of you because of someone else's lies. It's a very uncomfortable feeling. I mean you can't defend yourself because you don't know what the person said so you don't want to look like a crazy person. Then You don't want to o overboard trying to prove yourself to people that probably don't even matter. It's just the very fact that someone thinks you're someone that you're not really bothers you. it make you feel un easy. It makes you mad. But it also makes you feel like a bad person. It makes you question yourself. It makes you wonder if its really you thats the problem . When You deal with so many people doing you wrong , you start to dislike the person you see in the mirror. You start believing the rumors even if you know they aren't true. You begin to see yourself through the world's eyes instead of Gods. You forget who you are so you begin doing for people , going out your way to make everyone else happy, just to show and prove to them that you're not this negative person that they think that you are. You forget your morals , and your beliefs. You lose focus on yourself. You let the devil get to you and it all happens so fast that you don't even realize it . until one day you get out the shower , and you walk up to the mirror and don't even recognize yourself. You don't feel pretty anymore, and you hate what you see. You try to smile but it doesn't make it any better because deep down inside you know theres no real happiness behind that mile. It's Fake. So you're just standing there, in complete silence. the only thing you hear is your heart beating, but somethings not right. You hear your heart beating but for a brief second you don't feel anything. Then Every emotion hits you at once, and you just finally break. The tears fall so rapidly and abundantly that you can't even stop them. And its at that very moment when you think to yourself " where is my life going , is this is , this isn't what i planned. " But your original plans seem so far out of reach that you don't even know if its possible to achieve that plan anymore. No one appreciates the good things that you've done for them , so you feel useless. Your son is the only thing that brings you joy in this world , but it also hurts to know that he doesn't have everyone in his life that should be in his life. Everyone says My so doesn't be around but what people fail to realize is that anytime ANYONE ( besides three people ) sees my son it's because me or his father brought him around. No one comes to see my son, no one asks for him to spend the night or anything, or even spend time with him ( besides my mom ) , but before I had my son I had everybody's kids. Every birthday , Every Christmas , Every Mothers day, I went all out for everyones kids . But my son can't even get a birthday card, or a simple phone call. He's so smart and every time i'm out in public at least 15 people tell me my son is destined to be something in life. It only bothers me because I know how it feels to chase a dream and certain family members don't support or believe in you. I don't want my son to give up on his dreams just because certain family members don't support him. It's hard raising a child when you feel like you could have so much more to offer them , or when you want to show them the world , but you're not where you want to be financially. I'm not where I want to be in my life , and i feel trapped. I feel stuck. I feel like i'm allowing certain circumstances to hold me back from reaching my full destiny. I just wish sometimes that God could literally walk up to me personally and let me know everything is going to be okay, and that everything i'm going through will all be worth it in the end. "
That's everything she wishes she could tell the stranger . but instead she just replies " oh nothing my stomachs been bothering and I feel a little sick", thanks for asking though.
Sunday, October 18, 2015
Sunday, May 31, 2015
ENOUGH IS ENOUGH PART 2
NOW , AFTER I HAD MY BABY SOME THINGS WERE SAID THAT I DIDN'T FIND OUT UNTIL JUST 2MONTHS AGO BUT WE'LL GET TO THAT LATER.
AFTER I HAD MY SON MIND YOU HIS MOTHER STILL 9MONTHS LATER HAS NOT CAME TO SEE HIM NOT ONCE. MY AUNT LIVES ALL THE WAY IN ATL AND CAME DOWN HERE TO SEE HIM , BUT SHE LIVES ALL OF TEN , FIFTEEN MINUTES AWAY AND HASN'T BEEN TO SEE HIM NOT ONCE. AS A MATTER OF FACT SHE HASN'T BEEN TO NEITHER ONE OF OUR APARTMENTS EVER.
SO, A MONTH AFTER HE'S BEEN BORN WE TAKE HIM DOWN HIS MOTHERS WAY TO SEE HER BECAUSE HE WANTED TO. SO AS SHE'S HOLDING HIM I LOOK UP AND SHE HAS HER WHOLE BARE TITTY OUT IN MY SONS FACE PRETENDING AS SHE'S BREASTFEEDING HIM. IN HER DEFENSE SHE PROBABLY THOUGHT THAT THIS WAS COOL , BECAUSE SHE PLAYS WITH HER KIDS LIKE THAT YOU KNOW. HOWEVER I DID NOT APPROVE OF THIS WHAT SO EVER . I WAS FURIOUS. OMG !!!! I DID NOT WANT TO BE DISRESPECTFUL SO I TOLD HIM TO SAY SOMETHING, CAN YOU BELIEVE HE JUST LAUGHED. THIS WAS THE LAST STRAW !!! I HAD ENOUGH OF ALLOWING HIM TO ALLOW THEM TO DISRESPECT ME. SO LATER ON WHEN WE GOT HOME, I CUSSED HIS ASS OUT. YUP I SURE DID. HE SAID HE WENT TO HER AND SAID SOMETHING AND SHE TRIED TO ACT AS IF SHE DIDN'T REMEMBER DOING IT, BUT WHATEVER.
THEN THE ULTIMATE PETTINESS . HIS EX GIRLFRIEND CAME DOWN HERE TO SEE HER FROM FLORIDA WHICH IS COOL , FEEL ME THATS NONE OF MY BUSINESS HOWEVER IT'S THE SHIT THAT HAPPENED AFTER THAT PISSED ME OFF. FIRST , HER AND I WASN'T FRIENDS ON FACEBOOK AT THE TIME. SO SHE TAGS EVERYONE IN ALL THE PICTURES TO MAKE SURE I CAN SEE THEM, TALKING ABOUT SHE MISSED UUUSSSSS SO SHE CAME TO SEE UUSSSS WITH US IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS. THEN SHE POSTS PICS OF HER DAUGHTER CALLING THE LITTLE GIRL HER GRAND DAUGHTER, PUTTING " GRAND DAUGHTER" IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS, TRYING TO BE FUNNY TOWARDS ME. WHEN SHE DON'T EVEN GIVE A DAMN ABOUT HER REAL GRAND SON , BUT WHATEVER. THEN I'M TOLD THAT SHE INVITES HIS GIRLFRIEND OVER TO THEIR GRANDMOTHERS FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER. THE GIRLFRIEND SAYS NO CAUSE SHE DON'T WANT ME AND HIM FEELING NO TYPE OF WAY. SO THE MOM REPLIES " I DONT CARE HOW THEY GON FEEL , I WANT THEM TO FEEL SOME TYPE OF WAY". THEN SHE CALLS ONE OF HER DAUGHTERS TALKIN BOUT YOU SEE WHAT I POSTED YUP I SURE DID POST IT , I WANT HER TO FEEL SOME TYPE OF WAY. I TOLD HIS GRANDMOTHER I'LL MAKE THE BAKED BEANS BUT I'M NOT STAYING. I LOVE HIS GRANDMOTHER SHE'S ALWAYS BEEN NICE TO ME. SHE SAYS " TRACY DON'T LET HER STOP YOU FROM DOING WHAT YOU WANT TO DO. SHE KNOW SHE AIN'T RIGHT FOR THAT. I SAID GRANDMA YOU'RE RIGHT BUT WHAT I WANT TO DO IS HAVE A GOOD TIME, BE AROUND GOOD VIBES , SO THATS WHAT I'M GOING TO DO AT MY MOTHERS HOUSE. HOWEVER EVERYONE WAS POSTING PICTURES AND EVERYTHING OF HER , WHICH THEY CAN DO FEEL ME THATS THEM . BUT MY WHOLE THING IS NOT ONE OF THEM SPOKE UP . NOT ONE OF THEM STOOD UP AS A WOMAN AND SAID NAH THIS AIN'T COOL , YOU CAME TO SEE US NOW GO SPEND THANKS GIVING WITH YOUR FAMILY. LIKE NOBODY EVER STOPPED TO THINK WELL HOW WOULD TRACY FEEL. THEY ALL JUST GOT SUCKED INTO THAT BS AND RODE THE WAVE. BUT IF THEIR BOYFRIENDS MOTHER INVITED THEIR BOYFRIENDS EX OVER FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER THEY WOULD ALL BE SALTY ASF, AND WOULD HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY. BUT SINCE IT'S NOT THEM THEY DON'T CARE. AS A WOMAN I WOULD NEVER ALLOW MY MOM OR MY BROTHER TO DO NO SHXT LIKE THAT IDGAF HOW LONG SHE WAS AROUND, IF THEY DON'T HAVE NO KIDS TOGETHER IT AIN'T NO TIES PERIOD. BUT HEY THATS JUST ME. THEN I HEARD SHE SUPPOSEDLY SAID SHE WAS INVITING HER DOWN HERE AGAIN AROUND MY SONS BDAY. IDK IF THERE'S ANY TRUTH TO THAT BUT THAT'LL BE THE DAY ALL RESPECT GOES OUT THE WINDOW.
NOW REGARDLESS OF ALL THE BS. I HAVE A CARING HEART AND I STILL TRY TO SEE THE GOOD IN PEOPLE. SO I DEAL WITH IT. I KNOW THAT HE LOVES HIS MOTHER SO I TELL HIM , I'M GOING TO GO TALK TO HER WOMAN TO WOMAN BY MYSELF, SO WE CAN GET THIS OVER WITH BECAUSE I'M TIRED OF THE DRAMA . I'VE NEVER BEEN THROUGH THIS TYPE OF SITUATION SO I DON'T KNOW HOW ELSE TO DEAL WITH IT. I CAN'T TALK TO ANYONE ABOUT IT BECAUSE THE ONLY PERSON I SHOULD BE ABLE TO TALK ABOUT IT TO , NEVER WANTS TO TALK ABOUT IT SO I HARBOR ALL OF THIS UNNECESSARY STRESS , AND IT'S TAKING A TOLL ON ME. SO I DRIVE DOWN TO HER HOME AND WE TALK. AS WE'RE TALKING I FEEL LIKE OK MAYBE THIS IS THE END AND THIS IS ALL WE HAD TO DO FROM JUMP. BUUUUUUUTTTTTTTT THEN SHE PROCEEDS TO SAY " THE REASON I SAID RAMIR AIN'T HIS BABY".
I COMPLETELY BLANKED OUT . I DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING SHE SAID AFTER THAT BECAUSE I NEVER KNEW SHE EVEN SAID THAT. I COULDN'T WAIT TO GO HOME AND ASK HIM WTF WAS SHE TALKING ABOUT. AS ALL THESE THOUGHTS RUN THROUH MY HEAD AND ANGER BUILDS UP I HAVE TO KEEP MY COOL . I CAN'T LET HER KNOW THAT I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT SHE HAD SAID THAT. SO I LET HER CONTINUE TALKING . SHE PRAYED FOR ME WE SAID WE LOVE EACH OTHER AND I FLEW OUT THAT DOOR SO FAST. AS SOON AS I WALK IN THE DOOR OF OUR HOME , HE ASKED ME WHAT WE WAS TALKING ABOUT.
I SAID THE BETTER QUESTION HERE IS AS CALM AS POSSIBLE 'WHY THE FUXX DIDN'T YOU TELL ME SHE SAID RAMIR WASN'T YOUR SON" . HE WAS SITTIN THERE STUCK FOR A MINUTE, THEN HE SAID BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS. I'M SORRY BUT THATS NOT A GOOD ENOUGH REASON FOR ME. ALL THE SHIT I'VE PUT UP WITH AND BEEN THROUGH WITH YOU , YOU CAN'T EVEN GIVE ME SOME HONESTY. FUCC THAT GET OFF THIS GAME SO WE CAN DISCUSS THIS. SO AFTER I CALMED DOWN I SAID SO WHEN WAS THIS. HE SAID THE SAME DAY MY SON WAS BORN. MY SON WAS 7MONTHS WHEN I FOUND THIS OUT, SO IM LIKE DAMN YOU KEPT A SECRET FOR 7MONTHS , SO YOU REALLY WAS NEVER GOING TO TELL ME. THEN I'M LIKE DAMN SO THATS WHY NONE OF YOUR SISTERS BESIDES 2 OF THEM CALL AND ASK ABOUT RAMIR, OR ANYTHING BECAUSE YO MOM IS GOING AROUND TELLING EVERY ONE THAT HE'S NOT YOUR SON. OK THATS WASSUP , AND I BET YO ASS DIDN'T EVEN DEFEND ME. HE SAID HE DID BUT WHATEVER. FIRST OFF IM NOT A HOE OR NONE OF THAT SO IDK WHERE SHE WOULD GET THAT FROM . SO I ASKED HIM HOW SHE SAID IT , AND HE SAID THEY WERE ON THE PHONE AND SHE GON BUST OUT CRYING TRYING TO MAKE IT SEEM REAL TALKING ABOUT THATS NOT YOUR SON. HE SAID HE YELLED AT HER AND TOLD HER YES IT WAS AND BLAH BLAH BLAH. HE SAID SHE HURT HIS FEELINGS BECAUSE HE FELT LIKE SHE TRIED TO TAKE HIS SON AWAY FROM HIM. SHE TOLD HIM DONT TAG HER IN PICTURES OF RAMIR , BUT THEN AS HE GOT OLDER SHE WRITES HIM ON FACEBOOK AND SAYS " I WISH YOU WOULD TAG ME IN PICTURES OF RAMIR AT LEAST SOMETIMES. " I'M JUST THINKING LIKE FOR WHAT , SO YOU CAN GET ON SOCIAL MEDIA AND PRETEND AS IF YOU LOVE HIM OH SO MUCH WHEN TRUTH IS MY SON IS 9MONTHS AND SHE STILL HASN'T BEEN TO SEE HIM OR NOTHING. THE ONLY TIME SHE SEES HIM IS IF WE'RE DOWN THAT WAY OR IF WE'RE AT FAMILY EVENTS. BUT HEY IT IS WHAT IT IS.
WE RECENTLY HAD ONE LAST CONVERSATION AND THE ONLY THING SHE KEPT SAYING THE WHOLE TIME WAS "YOU'RE MY SON" , " THAT'S MY SON", YOU ONLY GET ONE MOTHER JUST ALL THIS TYPE OF SHXT. I'M JUST THINKING IN MY HEAD LIKE YOU KEEP SAYING THAT LIKE I WANT TO BE HIS MOM. AIN'T NOBODY TRYING TO TAKE YOUR PLACE. DON'T NO FEMALE WANT TO BE WITH NO MAN SHE HAS TO BE A MOTHER TO, THATS A TURN OFF ACTUALLY. I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT MANS MOTHER EVER.
NOW LETS MAKE SOME THINGS CLEAR. IDC IF SHE LIKES ME OR NOT HONESTLY. A LOT OF THESE SITUATIONS DID HURT MY FEELINGS , HOWEVER IM GOOD. BUT THE FACT THAT SHE DOESN'T LIKE NOR CARE ABOUT MY SON IT RUBBED ME THE WRONG WAY. LIKE MY SON HASN'T DONE ANYTHING TO ANYONE. MIND YOU BEFORE I HAD MY SON WE DID EVERYTHING FOR EVERYBODY, ALWAYS HAD EVERYONES KIDS, KEPT THEM FOR DAYS AND DAYS AT A TIME. WOULD YOU BELIEVE NO-ONE HAS ASKED FOR MY SON TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH THEM AND AIN'T GOT HIM NOTHING SINCE THE BABY SHOWER. I'VE NEVER DISRESPECTED HIS MOTHER AT ALL PERIOD. NO MATTER WHAT LIES SHE TELLS PEOPLE, ON MY LIFE I HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING TO DISRESPECT HER, SIMPLY BECAUSE I'M NOT A DISRESPECTFUL PERSON. AND ANYONE THAT REALLY KNOWS ME CAN VOUCH FOR THAT. I TELL HIM ALL THE TIME , LOVE YOUR MOTHER, TALK TO YOUR MOTHER, DON'T EVER LET ANYONE STOP YOU FROM LOVING YOUR MOTHER. JUST DON'T LET ANYONE CONTROL YOU EITHER.
I HAVE NEVER TRIED TO TAKE HIM AWAY FROM HIS MOM , NONE OF THAT. I TELL HIM EVERY YEAR MAKE SURE HE GET HER SOMETHING FOR HER BIRTHDAY AND MOTHERS DAY , ALTHOUGH THE LAST GIFTS SHE SAID SHE WAS GIVING AWAY, AND SHE TOOK TWO THINGS BACK AND GOT THE MONEY INSTEAD. BUT HEY IT IS WHAT IT IS. I STILL TELL HIM MAKE SURE HE ALWAYS TELLS HIS MOTHER HE LOVES HER AND ALL THAT. I DON'T EVEN DISCUSS NONE OF THE NEGATIVE THINGS WITH HIM. HE'S NOT THERE FOR ME EMOTIONALLY THE WAY HE SHOULD BE.
REGARDLESS OF EVERYTHING I HONESTLY LOVE THEM ALL. BECAUSE THAT'S JUST THE TYPE OF PERSON I AM. I'M NEVER GOING TO DISRESPECT HIS MOM NO MATTER WHAT BECAUSE I WAS RAISED BETTER. SHE MAY BE INTIMIDATED BY ME BECAUSE I'M A STRONG WOMAN AND I AINT GOING FOR THE BULL. WHATEVER THE REASONS ARE I'M STILL AND ALWAYS WILL BE A GOOD HEARTED PERSON. MORAL OF THE STORY DON'T EVER LET ANYONE CHANGE YOU FROM BEING WHO YOU ARE. DON'T DO TO SOMEONE WHAT THEY HAVE DONE TO YOU. DON'T EVER BECOME WHAT HURT YOU . LET IT JUST SHOW YOU EXACTLY WHAT YOU DON'T WANT TO BE. TREAT OTHERS AS YOU WOULD WANT TO BE TREATED BECAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY MISERY LOVES COMPANY. JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE IS MISERABLE WITH THEIR OWN LIFE THEY'LL TRY TO RAIN ON YOUR PARADE. DON'T STOOP TO THEIR LEVEL BECAUSE IF YOU DO YOU'RE ONLY BLOCKING YOUR BLESSINGS. NOW I'M NOT SAYING JUST SIT THERE AND CONTINUE TO ALLOW SOMEONE TO DISRESPECT YOU. JUST KNOW YOUR LIMITS , AND REMOVE YOURSELF FROM THE SITUATION IF YOU HAVE TO. JUST MAKE SURE THROUGH IT ALL DON'T LET ANYONE TAKE YOU OUT OF YOUR CHARACTER.
AFTER I HAD MY SON MIND YOU HIS MOTHER STILL 9MONTHS LATER HAS NOT CAME TO SEE HIM NOT ONCE. MY AUNT LIVES ALL THE WAY IN ATL AND CAME DOWN HERE TO SEE HIM , BUT SHE LIVES ALL OF TEN , FIFTEEN MINUTES AWAY AND HASN'T BEEN TO SEE HIM NOT ONCE. AS A MATTER OF FACT SHE HASN'T BEEN TO NEITHER ONE OF OUR APARTMENTS EVER.
SO, A MONTH AFTER HE'S BEEN BORN WE TAKE HIM DOWN HIS MOTHERS WAY TO SEE HER BECAUSE HE WANTED TO. SO AS SHE'S HOLDING HIM I LOOK UP AND SHE HAS HER WHOLE BARE TITTY OUT IN MY SONS FACE PRETENDING AS SHE'S BREASTFEEDING HIM. IN HER DEFENSE SHE PROBABLY THOUGHT THAT THIS WAS COOL , BECAUSE SHE PLAYS WITH HER KIDS LIKE THAT YOU KNOW. HOWEVER I DID NOT APPROVE OF THIS WHAT SO EVER . I WAS FURIOUS. OMG !!!! I DID NOT WANT TO BE DISRESPECTFUL SO I TOLD HIM TO SAY SOMETHING, CAN YOU BELIEVE HE JUST LAUGHED. THIS WAS THE LAST STRAW !!! I HAD ENOUGH OF ALLOWING HIM TO ALLOW THEM TO DISRESPECT ME. SO LATER ON WHEN WE GOT HOME, I CUSSED HIS ASS OUT. YUP I SURE DID. HE SAID HE WENT TO HER AND SAID SOMETHING AND SHE TRIED TO ACT AS IF SHE DIDN'T REMEMBER DOING IT, BUT WHATEVER.
THEN THE ULTIMATE PETTINESS . HIS EX GIRLFRIEND CAME DOWN HERE TO SEE HER FROM FLORIDA WHICH IS COOL , FEEL ME THATS NONE OF MY BUSINESS HOWEVER IT'S THE SHIT THAT HAPPENED AFTER THAT PISSED ME OFF. FIRST , HER AND I WASN'T FRIENDS ON FACEBOOK AT THE TIME. SO SHE TAGS EVERYONE IN ALL THE PICTURES TO MAKE SURE I CAN SEE THEM, TALKING ABOUT SHE MISSED UUUSSSSS SO SHE CAME TO SEE UUSSSS WITH US IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS. THEN SHE POSTS PICS OF HER DAUGHTER CALLING THE LITTLE GIRL HER GRAND DAUGHTER, PUTTING " GRAND DAUGHTER" IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS, TRYING TO BE FUNNY TOWARDS ME. WHEN SHE DON'T EVEN GIVE A DAMN ABOUT HER REAL GRAND SON , BUT WHATEVER. THEN I'M TOLD THAT SHE INVITES HIS GIRLFRIEND OVER TO THEIR GRANDMOTHERS FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER. THE GIRLFRIEND SAYS NO CAUSE SHE DON'T WANT ME AND HIM FEELING NO TYPE OF WAY. SO THE MOM REPLIES " I DONT CARE HOW THEY GON FEEL , I WANT THEM TO FEEL SOME TYPE OF WAY". THEN SHE CALLS ONE OF HER DAUGHTERS TALKIN BOUT YOU SEE WHAT I POSTED YUP I SURE DID POST IT , I WANT HER TO FEEL SOME TYPE OF WAY. I TOLD HIS GRANDMOTHER I'LL MAKE THE BAKED BEANS BUT I'M NOT STAYING. I LOVE HIS GRANDMOTHER SHE'S ALWAYS BEEN NICE TO ME. SHE SAYS " TRACY DON'T LET HER STOP YOU FROM DOING WHAT YOU WANT TO DO. SHE KNOW SHE AIN'T RIGHT FOR THAT. I SAID GRANDMA YOU'RE RIGHT BUT WHAT I WANT TO DO IS HAVE A GOOD TIME, BE AROUND GOOD VIBES , SO THATS WHAT I'M GOING TO DO AT MY MOTHERS HOUSE. HOWEVER EVERYONE WAS POSTING PICTURES AND EVERYTHING OF HER , WHICH THEY CAN DO FEEL ME THATS THEM . BUT MY WHOLE THING IS NOT ONE OF THEM SPOKE UP . NOT ONE OF THEM STOOD UP AS A WOMAN AND SAID NAH THIS AIN'T COOL , YOU CAME TO SEE US NOW GO SPEND THANKS GIVING WITH YOUR FAMILY. LIKE NOBODY EVER STOPPED TO THINK WELL HOW WOULD TRACY FEEL. THEY ALL JUST GOT SUCKED INTO THAT BS AND RODE THE WAVE. BUT IF THEIR BOYFRIENDS MOTHER INVITED THEIR BOYFRIENDS EX OVER FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER THEY WOULD ALL BE SALTY ASF, AND WOULD HAVE SOMETHING TO SAY. BUT SINCE IT'S NOT THEM THEY DON'T CARE. AS A WOMAN I WOULD NEVER ALLOW MY MOM OR MY BROTHER TO DO NO SHXT LIKE THAT IDGAF HOW LONG SHE WAS AROUND, IF THEY DON'T HAVE NO KIDS TOGETHER IT AIN'T NO TIES PERIOD. BUT HEY THATS JUST ME. THEN I HEARD SHE SUPPOSEDLY SAID SHE WAS INVITING HER DOWN HERE AGAIN AROUND MY SONS BDAY. IDK IF THERE'S ANY TRUTH TO THAT BUT THAT'LL BE THE DAY ALL RESPECT GOES OUT THE WINDOW.
NOW REGARDLESS OF ALL THE BS. I HAVE A CARING HEART AND I STILL TRY TO SEE THE GOOD IN PEOPLE. SO I DEAL WITH IT. I KNOW THAT HE LOVES HIS MOTHER SO I TELL HIM , I'M GOING TO GO TALK TO HER WOMAN TO WOMAN BY MYSELF, SO WE CAN GET THIS OVER WITH BECAUSE I'M TIRED OF THE DRAMA . I'VE NEVER BEEN THROUGH THIS TYPE OF SITUATION SO I DON'T KNOW HOW ELSE TO DEAL WITH IT. I CAN'T TALK TO ANYONE ABOUT IT BECAUSE THE ONLY PERSON I SHOULD BE ABLE TO TALK ABOUT IT TO , NEVER WANTS TO TALK ABOUT IT SO I HARBOR ALL OF THIS UNNECESSARY STRESS , AND IT'S TAKING A TOLL ON ME. SO I DRIVE DOWN TO HER HOME AND WE TALK. AS WE'RE TALKING I FEEL LIKE OK MAYBE THIS IS THE END AND THIS IS ALL WE HAD TO DO FROM JUMP. BUUUUUUUTTTTTTTT THEN SHE PROCEEDS TO SAY " THE REASON I SAID RAMIR AIN'T HIS BABY".
I COMPLETELY BLANKED OUT . I DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING SHE SAID AFTER THAT BECAUSE I NEVER KNEW SHE EVEN SAID THAT. I COULDN'T WAIT TO GO HOME AND ASK HIM WTF WAS SHE TALKING ABOUT. AS ALL THESE THOUGHTS RUN THROUH MY HEAD AND ANGER BUILDS UP I HAVE TO KEEP MY COOL . I CAN'T LET HER KNOW THAT I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT SHE HAD SAID THAT. SO I LET HER CONTINUE TALKING . SHE PRAYED FOR ME WE SAID WE LOVE EACH OTHER AND I FLEW OUT THAT DOOR SO FAST. AS SOON AS I WALK IN THE DOOR OF OUR HOME , HE ASKED ME WHAT WE WAS TALKING ABOUT.
I SAID THE BETTER QUESTION HERE IS AS CALM AS POSSIBLE 'WHY THE FUXX DIDN'T YOU TELL ME SHE SAID RAMIR WASN'T YOUR SON" . HE WAS SITTIN THERE STUCK FOR A MINUTE, THEN HE SAID BECAUSE I DIDN'T WANT TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS. I'M SORRY BUT THATS NOT A GOOD ENOUGH REASON FOR ME. ALL THE SHIT I'VE PUT UP WITH AND BEEN THROUGH WITH YOU , YOU CAN'T EVEN GIVE ME SOME HONESTY. FUCC THAT GET OFF THIS GAME SO WE CAN DISCUSS THIS. SO AFTER I CALMED DOWN I SAID SO WHEN WAS THIS. HE SAID THE SAME DAY MY SON WAS BORN. MY SON WAS 7MONTHS WHEN I FOUND THIS OUT, SO IM LIKE DAMN YOU KEPT A SECRET FOR 7MONTHS , SO YOU REALLY WAS NEVER GOING TO TELL ME. THEN I'M LIKE DAMN SO THATS WHY NONE OF YOUR SISTERS BESIDES 2 OF THEM CALL AND ASK ABOUT RAMIR, OR ANYTHING BECAUSE YO MOM IS GOING AROUND TELLING EVERY ONE THAT HE'S NOT YOUR SON. OK THATS WASSUP , AND I BET YO ASS DIDN'T EVEN DEFEND ME. HE SAID HE DID BUT WHATEVER. FIRST OFF IM NOT A HOE OR NONE OF THAT SO IDK WHERE SHE WOULD GET THAT FROM . SO I ASKED HIM HOW SHE SAID IT , AND HE SAID THEY WERE ON THE PHONE AND SHE GON BUST OUT CRYING TRYING TO MAKE IT SEEM REAL TALKING ABOUT THATS NOT YOUR SON. HE SAID HE YELLED AT HER AND TOLD HER YES IT WAS AND BLAH BLAH BLAH. HE SAID SHE HURT HIS FEELINGS BECAUSE HE FELT LIKE SHE TRIED TO TAKE HIS SON AWAY FROM HIM. SHE TOLD HIM DONT TAG HER IN PICTURES OF RAMIR , BUT THEN AS HE GOT OLDER SHE WRITES HIM ON FACEBOOK AND SAYS " I WISH YOU WOULD TAG ME IN PICTURES OF RAMIR AT LEAST SOMETIMES. " I'M JUST THINKING LIKE FOR WHAT , SO YOU CAN GET ON SOCIAL MEDIA AND PRETEND AS IF YOU LOVE HIM OH SO MUCH WHEN TRUTH IS MY SON IS 9MONTHS AND SHE STILL HASN'T BEEN TO SEE HIM OR NOTHING. THE ONLY TIME SHE SEES HIM IS IF WE'RE DOWN THAT WAY OR IF WE'RE AT FAMILY EVENTS. BUT HEY IT IS WHAT IT IS.
WE RECENTLY HAD ONE LAST CONVERSATION AND THE ONLY THING SHE KEPT SAYING THE WHOLE TIME WAS "YOU'RE MY SON" , " THAT'S MY SON", YOU ONLY GET ONE MOTHER JUST ALL THIS TYPE OF SHXT. I'M JUST THINKING IN MY HEAD LIKE YOU KEEP SAYING THAT LIKE I WANT TO BE HIS MOM. AIN'T NOBODY TRYING TO TAKE YOUR PLACE. DON'T NO FEMALE WANT TO BE WITH NO MAN SHE HAS TO BE A MOTHER TO, THATS A TURN OFF ACTUALLY. I DON'T WANT TO BE THAT MANS MOTHER EVER.
NOW LETS MAKE SOME THINGS CLEAR. IDC IF SHE LIKES ME OR NOT HONESTLY. A LOT OF THESE SITUATIONS DID HURT MY FEELINGS , HOWEVER IM GOOD. BUT THE FACT THAT SHE DOESN'T LIKE NOR CARE ABOUT MY SON IT RUBBED ME THE WRONG WAY. LIKE MY SON HASN'T DONE ANYTHING TO ANYONE. MIND YOU BEFORE I HAD MY SON WE DID EVERYTHING FOR EVERYBODY, ALWAYS HAD EVERYONES KIDS, KEPT THEM FOR DAYS AND DAYS AT A TIME. WOULD YOU BELIEVE NO-ONE HAS ASKED FOR MY SON TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH THEM AND AIN'T GOT HIM NOTHING SINCE THE BABY SHOWER. I'VE NEVER DISRESPECTED HIS MOTHER AT ALL PERIOD. NO MATTER WHAT LIES SHE TELLS PEOPLE, ON MY LIFE I HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING TO DISRESPECT HER, SIMPLY BECAUSE I'M NOT A DISRESPECTFUL PERSON. AND ANYONE THAT REALLY KNOWS ME CAN VOUCH FOR THAT. I TELL HIM ALL THE TIME , LOVE YOUR MOTHER, TALK TO YOUR MOTHER, DON'T EVER LET ANYONE STOP YOU FROM LOVING YOUR MOTHER. JUST DON'T LET ANYONE CONTROL YOU EITHER.
I HAVE NEVER TRIED TO TAKE HIM AWAY FROM HIS MOM , NONE OF THAT. I TELL HIM EVERY YEAR MAKE SURE HE GET HER SOMETHING FOR HER BIRTHDAY AND MOTHERS DAY , ALTHOUGH THE LAST GIFTS SHE SAID SHE WAS GIVING AWAY, AND SHE TOOK TWO THINGS BACK AND GOT THE MONEY INSTEAD. BUT HEY IT IS WHAT IT IS. I STILL TELL HIM MAKE SURE HE ALWAYS TELLS HIS MOTHER HE LOVES HER AND ALL THAT. I DON'T EVEN DISCUSS NONE OF THE NEGATIVE THINGS WITH HIM. HE'S NOT THERE FOR ME EMOTIONALLY THE WAY HE SHOULD BE.
REGARDLESS OF EVERYTHING I HONESTLY LOVE THEM ALL. BECAUSE THAT'S JUST THE TYPE OF PERSON I AM. I'M NEVER GOING TO DISRESPECT HIS MOM NO MATTER WHAT BECAUSE I WAS RAISED BETTER. SHE MAY BE INTIMIDATED BY ME BECAUSE I'M A STRONG WOMAN AND I AINT GOING FOR THE BULL. WHATEVER THE REASONS ARE I'M STILL AND ALWAYS WILL BE A GOOD HEARTED PERSON. MORAL OF THE STORY DON'T EVER LET ANYONE CHANGE YOU FROM BEING WHO YOU ARE. DON'T DO TO SOMEONE WHAT THEY HAVE DONE TO YOU. DON'T EVER BECOME WHAT HURT YOU . LET IT JUST SHOW YOU EXACTLY WHAT YOU DON'T WANT TO BE. TREAT OTHERS AS YOU WOULD WANT TO BE TREATED BECAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY MISERY LOVES COMPANY. JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE IS MISERABLE WITH THEIR OWN LIFE THEY'LL TRY TO RAIN ON YOUR PARADE. DON'T STOOP TO THEIR LEVEL BECAUSE IF YOU DO YOU'RE ONLY BLOCKING YOUR BLESSINGS. NOW I'M NOT SAYING JUST SIT THERE AND CONTINUE TO ALLOW SOMEONE TO DISRESPECT YOU. JUST KNOW YOUR LIMITS , AND REMOVE YOURSELF FROM THE SITUATION IF YOU HAVE TO. JUST MAKE SURE THROUGH IT ALL DON'T LET ANYONE TAKE YOU OUT OF YOUR CHARACTER.
ENOUGHT IS ENOUGH PART 1
" I DON'T THINK THE BABY IS YOURS " . YOU NEED TO GO GET A BLOOD TEST".
" WHAT YOU MEAN THAT IS MY SON , IF YOU REALLY MUST KNOW SHE DID THIS FOR ME". REPLIED AN ANGRY SON.
I'VE RECENTLY GIVEN BIRTH TO A HANDSOME SON 9MONTHS AGO , AUGUST 8TH, 2014. HIS NAME IS RAMIR N. ALLEN. HE'S THE MOST HAPPY BABY ANYONE COULD EVER MEET. EVERY WHERE WE GO SOMEONE CALLS HIM AN ANGEL. HE'S LOVED BY MANY, UNFORTUNATELY NOT BY ALL ( AS IN FAMILY ). BEFORE I GET INTO THAT THOUGH LET ME TAKE YOU ON THE RIDE OF WHAT I BEEN THROUGH.
FROM THE DAY MY CHILDS FATHER AND I OFFICIALLY GOT TOGETHER IT HAS BEEN SO MUCH DRAMA WITH THE WOMEN IN HIS FAMILY. EVERY LITTLE THING HE HAS DONE FOR ME HAS BEEN A PROBLEM. BUT , SEE HE KEPT ME IN THE DARK ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT WAS GOING ON. I DIDN'T FIND OUT ABOUT ANYTHING UNTIL ONE DAY AS WE WERE WATCHING A VIDEO ON HIS PHONE A TEXT MESSAGE POPPED UP FROM HIS SISTER WITH MY NAME IN IT. SO ME BEING ME I PRETENDED AS IF I DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING BECAUSE I KNEW HE WOULDN'T TELL ME WHAT WAS GOING ON, AND HE WOULD DELETE THE MESSAGES OUT HIS PHONE AND I WOULD NEVER KNOW. SO LATER THAT NIGHT WHEN HE FELL ASLEEP I GOT HIS PHONE AND FOUND OUT THE UGLY TRUTH. TRUTH IS NONE OF HIS SISTERS OR MOTHER FOR THAT MATTER EVEN LIKED ME. FURTHER MORE THEY WERE JEALOUS OF ALL THE THINGS THEY "THOUGHT" HE WAS DOING FOR ME. LET ME TELL YOU SOME OF THE QUOTES OF MESSAGES I SEEN IN HIS PHONE.
" ALL I'M SAYING IS THE SAME WAY YOU FLEW TO GET TRACY FROM SCHOOL SHOULD'VE BEEN THE SAME WAY YOU FLEW TO GET YOUR SISTER FROM WORK, IM JUST SAYING LOVE US LIKE YOU LOVE HER "
" LOOK AT HER WITH HER NEW OUTFIT ON , THINKING SHE ALL THAT , JUST WALKING AROUND CLICK CLACKING IN HER BOOTS "
" YEA MY FRIEND SHADEENA WANTS TO TALK TO YOU , SHE SAID YOU SEXY AND WANTS ME TO GIVE HER YOUR NUMBER , IS THAT COOL "
" YOUR EX GIRLFRIENDS BABY LOOK JUST LIKE YOU "
" THATS NOT HER HOUSE HE JUST PUT IT IN HER NAME BECAUSE HE CAN'T GET NOTHING IN HIS NAME RIGHT NOW, HE GON GET HIS RECORD CLEARED THEN HE LEAVING. "
" THEM AIN'T HER CARS MY SON BOUGHT THOSE HE JUST LET HER DRIVE THEM."
" I TOLD YOU NOT TO GET HER PREGNANT."
" SHE'S DISRESPECTFUL "
" OH I CAN'T GET NO MONEY BUT YOU GIVING HER EVERY DOLLAR YOU GET " .
I CAN GO ON AND ON FOREVER BUT THESE ARE QUOTES FROM HIS SISTERS AND HIS MOTHER. YES , I WAS PISSED ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT WAS SAID HOWEVER , WHAT PISSED ME OFF THE MOST WAS THE FACT THAT NOT ONCE DID HE HAVE MY BACK, LIKE EVER. SO THEM NOT KNOWING I KNEW EVERYTHING I DID I DECIDED TO KEEP MY EYES OPEN AND REALLY SEE SHIT FOR WHAT IT WAS. I DIDN'T EVEN TELL HIM I KNEW ANYTHING AT FIRST BECAUSE I WANTED TO BE AROUND WHEN COMMENTS WERE MADE SO I CAN SEE FOR MYSELF HOW HE REACTED TO THEM. AS TIME WENT BY I BEGAN TO SEE MORE AND MORE HOW WICKED THE WHOLE SITUATION WAS. I'VE HELD MY TONGUE FOR SO LONG OUT OF RESPECT FOR HIM BECAUSE THATS THE KIND OF PERSON I AM BUT I'M SO TIRED OF THE DISRESPECT. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH !!!!!!
THE RING LEADER OF IT ALL IS HIS MOTHER. SEE THE PROBLEM WITH HER IS THAT SHE HAS SOME SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT OVER HER CHILDREN. SHE DOESN'T WANT THEM DOING ANYTHING THAT SHE DOESN'T HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER. SHE FEELS AS IF JUST BECAUSE HE'S HER SON HE OWES HER SOMETHING , WHICH HE DOESN'T. GRANTED YOU'RE HIS MOTHER AND HE LOVES YOU AND I LOVE HIM FOR THE WAY THAT HE LOVES HIS MOTHER. HOWEVER NO ONE IN THIS WORLD OWES ANYONE ANYTHING IDC WHO THEY ARE. SHE HAS DONE SO MUCH IN IUR WHOLE RELATIONSHIP THAT I'M FINALLY TIRED AND SICK OF IT ALL.
FOR STARTERS AFTER I REALIZED THAT SHE DIDN'T LIKE ME TO BEGIN WITH. I BEGAN TO STAY AWAY. I'M NOT THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO DISRESPECTS HER ELDERS, BUT I'M ALSO NOT THE TYPE OF PERSON TO PRETEND THAT I'M COOL WITH SOMEONE AND I'M NOT, IT'LL READ ALL OVER MY FACE. SO IN ORDER TO AVOID ANY DRAMA I JUST STAYED AWAY. ANYTIME WE WOULD GO DOWN HER AREA BECAUSE HE WANTED TO SEE HIS MOTHER I WOULD SIT IN THE CAR OR GO TO HIS OLDEST SISTERS HOUSE. BESIDES HIS FEMALE COUSINS SHE'S THE ONLY ONE THAT HAS NEVER GIVEN ME A PROBLEM.
AFTER A WHILE HE ASKED ME WHY I DON'T GO TO HIS MOTHERS , AND I FINALLY REVEALED EVERYTHING I KNEW. I ALSO TOLD HIM THAT THE FACT THAT HE KNEW HOW THEY REALLY FELT ABOUT ME AND NOT ONLY NOT STOOD UP FOR ME, BUT WOULD KEEP ASKING ME TO COME AROUND PEOPLE THAT YOU KNOW TALK ABOUT ME BEHIND MY BACK REALLY HAS ME READY TO GIVE UP ON EVERYTHING. SEE HE'S BEEN UNDER THE HIS MOM FOR SO LONG , SHE'S HAD CONTROL OVER HIM FOR SO LONG THAT HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO BE A MAN. HE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THAT WHAT WAS GOING ON WAS WRONG BECAUSE IT'S BEEN GOING ON ALL HIS LIFE. WHAT WOMEN WANTS TO TELL THE MAN SHE LOVES ANYTHING ABOUT HIS MOTHER. SO I LEFT IT IN GODS HANDS. I TOLD HIM IN DUE TIME YOU'LL SEE THE ERROR OF HER WAYS.
ONE DAY SHE MADE A STATUS AND TAGGED ALL HER KIDS IN IT AND ASKED THEM TO SPEND THE NIGHT , THEN SHE GON TAG HIS EX GIRLFRIEND IN IT ASKING HER TO SPEND THE NIGHT AS WELL. MIND YOU HIS EX GIRLFRIEND LIVES ALL THE WAY IN FLORIDA. SHE WAS ONLY TRYING TO BE FUNNY TOWARDS ME . HE NEVER SAID ANYTHING TO HER ABOUT THAT.
THEN SHE GOES AROUND TELLING PEOPLE I'M DISRESPECTFUL. SHE DON'T LIKE ME. THE ONLY REASON HER SON HAS A PLACE WITH ME IS BECAUSE HE CAN'T GET ONE IN HIS NAME. THE CARS THAT WE HAVE HE BOUGHT THEM. AND HE BUYS ME EVERYTHING WE HAVE , AND HE'S THE ONLY ONE PAYING BILLS. FIRST OF ALL LET ME START OFF BY SAYING THIS IS OUR HOME. WE BOTH PAY BILLS AND WE BOTH DO WHAT WE HAVE TO DO FOR OUR HOME. SECOND OF ALL I'M NOT SURE WHY THEY THINK THIS MAN IS RICH ENOUGH TO BUY TWO DAMN CARS LIKE REALLY ??? . I BOUGHT THE RED CAR WE HAVE AND HE BOUGHT THE WHITE ONE. THIRD OF ALL I HAVE A JOB , I'VE ALWAYS HAD A JOB SINCE I WAS OLD ENOUGH TO WORK. I HAVE NEVER DEPENDED ON A MANS HAND FOR SHIT BECAUSE MY MOTHER AND MY FATHER FOR THAT MATTER TOLD ME NOT TO. SO EVERYTHING I HAVE IS THANKS TO ME AS WELL AS SOME THINGS FROM HIM. HOWEVER EVEN IF HE DID BUY ME EVERYTHING I OWNED SO WHAT . THATS NONE OF ANYONES BUSINESS. AS MUCH AS HE DOES FOR ME I DO FOR HIM. THE ONLY TIME HE'S EVER EVEN CONTACTED IS WHEN THEY NEED SOMETHING. THE ONLY ONE THAT CALLS IM TO GENUINELY SEE WHAT HE'S DOING IS HIS OLDEST SISTER AND HIS OLDEST NIECE. HOWEVER HE'S NEVER SAID ANYTHING TO HER ABOUT THAT.
THEN MY WHOLE PREGNANCY SHE WAS BEING SO NEGATIVE. WHEN HE CALLED AND TOLD HER I WAS PREGNANT SHE DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS ON SPEAKER PHONE AND THAT I COULD HEAR HER. SHE WASN'T EVEN HAPPY FOR HER SON , AND HE WAS SO EXCITED. THE FIRST THING OUT HER MOUTH WAS " MMMMM TOLD YOU NOT TO GET HER PREGNANT." I'M JUST THINKING LIKE DAMN WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO HER FOR HER TO FEEL SO MUCH HATRED FOR ME. ANYTIME SHE'S EVER NEEDED ANYTHING FROM HIM HE CALLS ME AND I ALWAYS GIVE HIM THE MONEY FOR HER. BIRTHDAY GIFTS , MOTHERS DAY GIFTS EVERYTHING. I'VE EVEN WENT OUT MY WAY FOR HER DAUGHTERS. THEY CALL HIM ASKING HIM FOR MONEY AND HALF THE TIME IT'S COMING OUT OF MY POCKET , AND VICE VERSA . I'VE NEVER GIVEN HER A REASON NOT TO LIKE ME AND I'LL SAY THAT UNTIL THE DAY I DIE.
AT MY BABY SHOWER I FOUND OUT THAT SHE DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO COME. THE LAST WORDS OUT HER MOUTH BEFORE SHE CAME TO MY BABY SHOWER WAS " MMMMMM LET ME SEE HOW THIS MESS IS GOING TO BE." SMH. THEN WHEN SHE GOT THEIR SHE WALKS AROUND TELLING EVERYONE SHE READY TO GO OR ABOUT TO LEAVE. AND NOT TO MENTION SHE DIDN'T BUY NOT ONE GIFT FOR MY SON.
THEN THE DAY OF DELIVERY I TOLD RICKY LIKE FOR REAL FOR REAL IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU IT'S NOT ABOUT NOBODY BUT ME , AND WHO I FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH BEING IN THE ROOM WITH ME , WHILE I DELIVER. BUT I STILL TOLD HIM YOUR MOTHER IS ALLOWED TO BE IN THE ROOM BECAUSE I KNOW YOU WOULD WANT YOUR MOTHER TO SEE YOUR SON BEING BORN , AND I WOULD NEVER DEPRIVE YOU OF THAT. HOWEVER AS I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL ROOM GETTING CHECKED I RECEIVED A TEXT MESSAGE STATING THAT HIS MOTHER SAID SHE DIDN'T WANT TO BE IN THE ROOM ANYWAY. THAT DID HURT MY FEELINGS IM NOT GOING TO LIE BUT IT WAS WHAT IT WAS. THEN SHE ENDED UP GETTING PULLED OVER AND WENT TO JAIL THAT DAY. SO WHILE I'M IN THE HOSPITAL SHE'S CALLING MY PHONE BECAUSE I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS MONEY ON MY PHONE. HE'S RUNNING AROUND GETTING MY MONEY TO GET HER OUT OF JAIL. NOT TO MENTION HE SHOULD BE THERE FOR ME AND HIS SON THATS ABOUT TO BE BROUGHT INTO THIS WORLD. BUT I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING I LET HIM DO HIM . HOWEVER WHEN SHE WAS FINALLY RELEASED SHE GON CALL HIM AND ASK HIM TO COME GET HER. SO HE COMES IN THE HOSPITAL ROOM TALKING ABOUT HE'S BOUT TO LEAVE TO GO PICK HER UP . I SAID " UM NO YOU'RE NOT , YOU HAVE A SON THAT COULD BE HERE ANY MINUTE EVERYBODY ELSE HAS A CAR THAT CAN GO PICK HER UP YOU BETTER NOT LEAVE THIS HOSPITAL ROOM." SO HE CALLS HER AND SAYS I'M ABOUT TO HAVE SUCH AND SUCH COME PICK YOU UP SHE SAYS " NO , I WANT YOU TO PICK ME UP IDC . " HE SAYS NO AND HIS SISTER GOES TO PICK HER UP. MY THING IS LIKE DAMN, YOU KNOW THIS MAN HAS A WHOLE BABY ON THE WAY , AND YOU REALLY TRIED TO TAKE HIM AWAY FROM SEEING HIS SON BORN. THATS REALLY SELFISH TO ME.
STILL HE HASN'T SAID ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING..............
" WHAT YOU MEAN THAT IS MY SON , IF YOU REALLY MUST KNOW SHE DID THIS FOR ME". REPLIED AN ANGRY SON.
I'VE RECENTLY GIVEN BIRTH TO A HANDSOME SON 9MONTHS AGO , AUGUST 8TH, 2014. HIS NAME IS RAMIR N. ALLEN. HE'S THE MOST HAPPY BABY ANYONE COULD EVER MEET. EVERY WHERE WE GO SOMEONE CALLS HIM AN ANGEL. HE'S LOVED BY MANY, UNFORTUNATELY NOT BY ALL ( AS IN FAMILY ). BEFORE I GET INTO THAT THOUGH LET ME TAKE YOU ON THE RIDE OF WHAT I BEEN THROUGH.
FROM THE DAY MY CHILDS FATHER AND I OFFICIALLY GOT TOGETHER IT HAS BEEN SO MUCH DRAMA WITH THE WOMEN IN HIS FAMILY. EVERY LITTLE THING HE HAS DONE FOR ME HAS BEEN A PROBLEM. BUT , SEE HE KEPT ME IN THE DARK ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT WAS GOING ON. I DIDN'T FIND OUT ABOUT ANYTHING UNTIL ONE DAY AS WE WERE WATCHING A VIDEO ON HIS PHONE A TEXT MESSAGE POPPED UP FROM HIS SISTER WITH MY NAME IN IT. SO ME BEING ME I PRETENDED AS IF I DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING BECAUSE I KNEW HE WOULDN'T TELL ME WHAT WAS GOING ON, AND HE WOULD DELETE THE MESSAGES OUT HIS PHONE AND I WOULD NEVER KNOW. SO LATER THAT NIGHT WHEN HE FELL ASLEEP I GOT HIS PHONE AND FOUND OUT THE UGLY TRUTH. TRUTH IS NONE OF HIS SISTERS OR MOTHER FOR THAT MATTER EVEN LIKED ME. FURTHER MORE THEY WERE JEALOUS OF ALL THE THINGS THEY "THOUGHT" HE WAS DOING FOR ME. LET ME TELL YOU SOME OF THE QUOTES OF MESSAGES I SEEN IN HIS PHONE.
" ALL I'M SAYING IS THE SAME WAY YOU FLEW TO GET TRACY FROM SCHOOL SHOULD'VE BEEN THE SAME WAY YOU FLEW TO GET YOUR SISTER FROM WORK, IM JUST SAYING LOVE US LIKE YOU LOVE HER "
" LOOK AT HER WITH HER NEW OUTFIT ON , THINKING SHE ALL THAT , JUST WALKING AROUND CLICK CLACKING IN HER BOOTS "
" YEA MY FRIEND SHADEENA WANTS TO TALK TO YOU , SHE SAID YOU SEXY AND WANTS ME TO GIVE HER YOUR NUMBER , IS THAT COOL "
" YOUR EX GIRLFRIENDS BABY LOOK JUST LIKE YOU "
" THATS NOT HER HOUSE HE JUST PUT IT IN HER NAME BECAUSE HE CAN'T GET NOTHING IN HIS NAME RIGHT NOW, HE GON GET HIS RECORD CLEARED THEN HE LEAVING. "
" THEM AIN'T HER CARS MY SON BOUGHT THOSE HE JUST LET HER DRIVE THEM."
" I TOLD YOU NOT TO GET HER PREGNANT."
" SHE'S DISRESPECTFUL "
" OH I CAN'T GET NO MONEY BUT YOU GIVING HER EVERY DOLLAR YOU GET " .
I CAN GO ON AND ON FOREVER BUT THESE ARE QUOTES FROM HIS SISTERS AND HIS MOTHER. YES , I WAS PISSED ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT WAS SAID HOWEVER , WHAT PISSED ME OFF THE MOST WAS THE FACT THAT NOT ONCE DID HE HAVE MY BACK, LIKE EVER. SO THEM NOT KNOWING I KNEW EVERYTHING I DID I DECIDED TO KEEP MY EYES OPEN AND REALLY SEE SHIT FOR WHAT IT WAS. I DIDN'T EVEN TELL HIM I KNEW ANYTHING AT FIRST BECAUSE I WANTED TO BE AROUND WHEN COMMENTS WERE MADE SO I CAN SEE FOR MYSELF HOW HE REACTED TO THEM. AS TIME WENT BY I BEGAN TO SEE MORE AND MORE HOW WICKED THE WHOLE SITUATION WAS. I'VE HELD MY TONGUE FOR SO LONG OUT OF RESPECT FOR HIM BECAUSE THATS THE KIND OF PERSON I AM BUT I'M SO TIRED OF THE DISRESPECT. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH !!!!!!
THE RING LEADER OF IT ALL IS HIS MOTHER. SEE THE PROBLEM WITH HER IS THAT SHE HAS SOME SENSE OF ENTITLEMENT OVER HER CHILDREN. SHE DOESN'T WANT THEM DOING ANYTHING THAT SHE DOESN'T HAVE ANY CONTROL OVER. SHE FEELS AS IF JUST BECAUSE HE'S HER SON HE OWES HER SOMETHING , WHICH HE DOESN'T. GRANTED YOU'RE HIS MOTHER AND HE LOVES YOU AND I LOVE HIM FOR THE WAY THAT HE LOVES HIS MOTHER. HOWEVER NO ONE IN THIS WORLD OWES ANYONE ANYTHING IDC WHO THEY ARE. SHE HAS DONE SO MUCH IN IUR WHOLE RELATIONSHIP THAT I'M FINALLY TIRED AND SICK OF IT ALL.
FOR STARTERS AFTER I REALIZED THAT SHE DIDN'T LIKE ME TO BEGIN WITH. I BEGAN TO STAY AWAY. I'M NOT THE TYPE OF PERSON WHO DISRESPECTS HER ELDERS, BUT I'M ALSO NOT THE TYPE OF PERSON TO PRETEND THAT I'M COOL WITH SOMEONE AND I'M NOT, IT'LL READ ALL OVER MY FACE. SO IN ORDER TO AVOID ANY DRAMA I JUST STAYED AWAY. ANYTIME WE WOULD GO DOWN HER AREA BECAUSE HE WANTED TO SEE HIS MOTHER I WOULD SIT IN THE CAR OR GO TO HIS OLDEST SISTERS HOUSE. BESIDES HIS FEMALE COUSINS SHE'S THE ONLY ONE THAT HAS NEVER GIVEN ME A PROBLEM.
AFTER A WHILE HE ASKED ME WHY I DON'T GO TO HIS MOTHERS , AND I FINALLY REVEALED EVERYTHING I KNEW. I ALSO TOLD HIM THAT THE FACT THAT HE KNEW HOW THEY REALLY FELT ABOUT ME AND NOT ONLY NOT STOOD UP FOR ME, BUT WOULD KEEP ASKING ME TO COME AROUND PEOPLE THAT YOU KNOW TALK ABOUT ME BEHIND MY BACK REALLY HAS ME READY TO GIVE UP ON EVERYTHING. SEE HE'S BEEN UNDER THE HIS MOM FOR SO LONG , SHE'S HAD CONTROL OVER HIM FOR SO LONG THAT HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO BE A MAN. HE DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THAT WHAT WAS GOING ON WAS WRONG BECAUSE IT'S BEEN GOING ON ALL HIS LIFE. WHAT WOMEN WANTS TO TELL THE MAN SHE LOVES ANYTHING ABOUT HIS MOTHER. SO I LEFT IT IN GODS HANDS. I TOLD HIM IN DUE TIME YOU'LL SEE THE ERROR OF HER WAYS.
ONE DAY SHE MADE A STATUS AND TAGGED ALL HER KIDS IN IT AND ASKED THEM TO SPEND THE NIGHT , THEN SHE GON TAG HIS EX GIRLFRIEND IN IT ASKING HER TO SPEND THE NIGHT AS WELL. MIND YOU HIS EX GIRLFRIEND LIVES ALL THE WAY IN FLORIDA. SHE WAS ONLY TRYING TO BE FUNNY TOWARDS ME . HE NEVER SAID ANYTHING TO HER ABOUT THAT.
THEN SHE GOES AROUND TELLING PEOPLE I'M DISRESPECTFUL. SHE DON'T LIKE ME. THE ONLY REASON HER SON HAS A PLACE WITH ME IS BECAUSE HE CAN'T GET ONE IN HIS NAME. THE CARS THAT WE HAVE HE BOUGHT THEM. AND HE BUYS ME EVERYTHING WE HAVE , AND HE'S THE ONLY ONE PAYING BILLS. FIRST OF ALL LET ME START OFF BY SAYING THIS IS OUR HOME. WE BOTH PAY BILLS AND WE BOTH DO WHAT WE HAVE TO DO FOR OUR HOME. SECOND OF ALL I'M NOT SURE WHY THEY THINK THIS MAN IS RICH ENOUGH TO BUY TWO DAMN CARS LIKE REALLY ??? . I BOUGHT THE RED CAR WE HAVE AND HE BOUGHT THE WHITE ONE. THIRD OF ALL I HAVE A JOB , I'VE ALWAYS HAD A JOB SINCE I WAS OLD ENOUGH TO WORK. I HAVE NEVER DEPENDED ON A MANS HAND FOR SHIT BECAUSE MY MOTHER AND MY FATHER FOR THAT MATTER TOLD ME NOT TO. SO EVERYTHING I HAVE IS THANKS TO ME AS WELL AS SOME THINGS FROM HIM. HOWEVER EVEN IF HE DID BUY ME EVERYTHING I OWNED SO WHAT . THATS NONE OF ANYONES BUSINESS. AS MUCH AS HE DOES FOR ME I DO FOR HIM. THE ONLY TIME HE'S EVER EVEN CONTACTED IS WHEN THEY NEED SOMETHING. THE ONLY ONE THAT CALLS IM TO GENUINELY SEE WHAT HE'S DOING IS HIS OLDEST SISTER AND HIS OLDEST NIECE. HOWEVER HE'S NEVER SAID ANYTHING TO HER ABOUT THAT.
THEN MY WHOLE PREGNANCY SHE WAS BEING SO NEGATIVE. WHEN HE CALLED AND TOLD HER I WAS PREGNANT SHE DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS ON SPEAKER PHONE AND THAT I COULD HEAR HER. SHE WASN'T EVEN HAPPY FOR HER SON , AND HE WAS SO EXCITED. THE FIRST THING OUT HER MOUTH WAS " MMMMM TOLD YOU NOT TO GET HER PREGNANT." I'M JUST THINKING LIKE DAMN WHAT HAVE I EVER DONE TO HER FOR HER TO FEEL SO MUCH HATRED FOR ME. ANYTIME SHE'S EVER NEEDED ANYTHING FROM HIM HE CALLS ME AND I ALWAYS GIVE HIM THE MONEY FOR HER. BIRTHDAY GIFTS , MOTHERS DAY GIFTS EVERYTHING. I'VE EVEN WENT OUT MY WAY FOR HER DAUGHTERS. THEY CALL HIM ASKING HIM FOR MONEY AND HALF THE TIME IT'S COMING OUT OF MY POCKET , AND VICE VERSA . I'VE NEVER GIVEN HER A REASON NOT TO LIKE ME AND I'LL SAY THAT UNTIL THE DAY I DIE.
AT MY BABY SHOWER I FOUND OUT THAT SHE DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO COME. THE LAST WORDS OUT HER MOUTH BEFORE SHE CAME TO MY BABY SHOWER WAS " MMMMMM LET ME SEE HOW THIS MESS IS GOING TO BE." SMH. THEN WHEN SHE GOT THEIR SHE WALKS AROUND TELLING EVERYONE SHE READY TO GO OR ABOUT TO LEAVE. AND NOT TO MENTION SHE DIDN'T BUY NOT ONE GIFT FOR MY SON.
THEN THE DAY OF DELIVERY I TOLD RICKY LIKE FOR REAL FOR REAL IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU IT'S NOT ABOUT NOBODY BUT ME , AND WHO I FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH BEING IN THE ROOM WITH ME , WHILE I DELIVER. BUT I STILL TOLD HIM YOUR MOTHER IS ALLOWED TO BE IN THE ROOM BECAUSE I KNOW YOU WOULD WANT YOUR MOTHER TO SEE YOUR SON BEING BORN , AND I WOULD NEVER DEPRIVE YOU OF THAT. HOWEVER AS I WAS IN THE HOSPITAL ROOM GETTING CHECKED I RECEIVED A TEXT MESSAGE STATING THAT HIS MOTHER SAID SHE DIDN'T WANT TO BE IN THE ROOM ANYWAY. THAT DID HURT MY FEELINGS IM NOT GOING TO LIE BUT IT WAS WHAT IT WAS. THEN SHE ENDED UP GETTING PULLED OVER AND WENT TO JAIL THAT DAY. SO WHILE I'M IN THE HOSPITAL SHE'S CALLING MY PHONE BECAUSE I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO HAS MONEY ON MY PHONE. HE'S RUNNING AROUND GETTING MY MONEY TO GET HER OUT OF JAIL. NOT TO MENTION HE SHOULD BE THERE FOR ME AND HIS SON THATS ABOUT TO BE BROUGHT INTO THIS WORLD. BUT I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING I LET HIM DO HIM . HOWEVER WHEN SHE WAS FINALLY RELEASED SHE GON CALL HIM AND ASK HIM TO COME GET HER. SO HE COMES IN THE HOSPITAL ROOM TALKING ABOUT HE'S BOUT TO LEAVE TO GO PICK HER UP . I SAID " UM NO YOU'RE NOT , YOU HAVE A SON THAT COULD BE HERE ANY MINUTE EVERYBODY ELSE HAS A CAR THAT CAN GO PICK HER UP YOU BETTER NOT LEAVE THIS HOSPITAL ROOM." SO HE CALLS HER AND SAYS I'M ABOUT TO HAVE SUCH AND SUCH COME PICK YOU UP SHE SAYS " NO , I WANT YOU TO PICK ME UP IDC . " HE SAYS NO AND HIS SISTER GOES TO PICK HER UP. MY THING IS LIKE DAMN, YOU KNOW THIS MAN HAS A WHOLE BABY ON THE WAY , AND YOU REALLY TRIED TO TAKE HIM AWAY FROM SEEING HIS SON BORN. THATS REALLY SELFISH TO ME.
STILL HE HASN'T SAID ANYTHING ABOUT ANYTHING..............
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
LOVE IS BLIND 5................
PRESENT DAY
" Why did you do it ? Am I not good enough for you ? Were they better than me ? How long was this going on for ? If You really stopped what made you want to stop ? If I never found out would you still be doing it ? "
She asked these questions in hopes of getting the answers that she wanted so she could put it all behind her and start fresh. She wanted to be that happy girl again that she once was. She can't remember the last time she smiled because she was genuinely happy. Her baby shower is three days away and she's not even excited about it. it's hard to be excited about having a thousand pair of eyes on you, cameras flashing every where when you don't even feel pretty anymore. She doesn't even remember the day everything changed. Everyday she wish she could go back to when she loved herself, loved looking in the mirror, when she thought she was the most beautiful girl in the world. How could she go back to a day like that when she doesn't even know when her thoughts about herself changed.
" Why did you do it ? Am I not good enough for you ? Were they better than me ? How long was this going on for ? If You really stopped what made you want to stop ? If I never found out would you still be doing it ? "
She asked these questions in hopes of getting the answers that she wanted so she could put it all behind her and start fresh. She wanted to be that happy girl again that she once was. She can't remember the last time she smiled because she was genuinely happy. Her baby shower is three days away and she's not even excited about it. it's hard to be excited about having a thousand pair of eyes on you, cameras flashing every where when you don't even feel pretty anymore. She doesn't even remember the day everything changed. Everyday she wish she could go back to when she loved herself, loved looking in the mirror, when she thought she was the most beautiful girl in the world. How could she go back to a day like that when she doesn't even know when her thoughts about herself changed.
Sunday, May 18, 2014
Love Is Blind 4.......
" Why is this happening to me ? What have I ever done to anyone ? I just don't get it , I don't understand. Was my life supposed to be like this? Was I supposed to turn out this way? I don't like the person I've become. I look in the mirror now and I don't know the reflection I see any more. It's a horrible person I see. I try to be strong I try to love myself as well as others , I try to erase any negative thoughts from my mind. I try everyday to change myself so the people I care about the most will accept me and love me . I want to be loved , but instead I'm talked down on . But what have I ever done I just don't understand . Why doesn't he love me any more God ? Why am I the one who gets blamed for everything that goes wrong in his life? All I ever wanted was to make him happy , and make his life easier. Why did he make it so hard for me to trust him , and then blamed everything on me. Why did I let his opinion about me affect me so much? Why don't I have anyone to talk to? No one cares what I go through , but they all can't wait to judge me behind my back. I should never feel so alone when I'm surrounded by people I do so much for. Why does it hurt so bad ?"
She was devastated. She didn't know what her next move would be , and she couldn't stop the thoughts in her head. They were scattered all over her mind like Fall leaves. As she laid down surrounded by nothing but darkness she thought back on her life as far as she could . She didn't trust men , but it was so much more to it then just having her heart broken . It all started when she was about 9 years old.
She went to this church with her mother that she couldn't remember the name to. She loved that church because mostly everyone that went there was family , even the pastor. She loved everything about that church, the kids bible study was her favorite. She could recite a few scriptures , as well as repeat all of the Old Testament chapters to you in order. She always felt safe there until this one man took that away. He had a very dark skin tone. He had black curly hair but some of it was missing at the time. He wasn't very tall but he had an ok height. She was only nine then so everyone was tall to her then. He also had a little pudgy stomach , with broad strong arms. His name was Bernard. One day he took her into a back room inside of the church , sat her on his lap facing him , stuck his hands inside her pants and began to feel on her bare bottom. She was so young and scared that she just sat there at first. She tried to wiggle away but he held her tighter and in between kissing on her forehead he said "it's ok , dont be scared." She was just about to cry as loud as possible when she heard the voices of little kids just like her running towards the room he had her in. As he hurried and let her go , she felt relieved that God did not allow him to go any further. She quickly ran out the room, and never looked back. She also never told anyone ever.
Fast forwarding to her 17th year a similar situation occurred, but this time much much worse. It was July 16th, 2010 a Friday. School had been out and everyone missed each other , so her and her friends planned a hotel party for their school friends . She didn't have a car so she called one of her friends ( or so she thought ) to come pick up her and her sister. his name was Hakeem. She met him at school , they have math class together. He's light complexioned, with his hair cut low, and he's about average height. He had his flaws in personality but I mean who doesn't. Once they got to the hotel everyone started coming. It got So packed so fast and unfortunately there was a lot of under age drinking going on. She had so much to drink that she was out of it. She remembers her sister getting into it with her boyfriend and he ended up coming to get her to take her home. She never though that she should've left with her until that next morning. When she woke up the next morning her head was pounding like like an angry drummer. She called her sister and let her know she was on her way back home. When Hakeem dropped her off he said something that she didn't quite understand when she got out of the car.
" what are you doing today ? he asked . "
" I think my sister and I will go swimming , she answered. "
"How are you going to go swimming and you're on your period, ? He asked her immediately regretting it afterwards. "
"How do you know that i'm on my period ? She wondered .
" You don't remember , you told me when you were drunk, he defended himself "
Although she blew it off she knew something wasn't right about that. She hated her period , she hated everything about it. She knew that no matter how drunk she was she would have NEVER told anyone she was on her period. Even if there was ever a possibility that she would, what could they have been talking about for her to give him the response that she was on her period.
She walked inside of the house head full of un answered questions, and immediately ran up the steps to brush her teeth. While she was brushing her teeth , she looked in the mirror and saw something that was a Purple-ish , Red color on her neck. When she realized what it was everything from last night flashed in her mind like a movie and she broke down crying.
FLASHBACK
She was so drunk that that her friend Jakyl laid her head down on a pillow and told her to go to sleep. The pillow was so soft that she had no choice but to lay down and go to sleep. she remembers waking up in the middle of the night with her pants down, and someone on top of her. She realized who it was and couldn't believe it.
"Hakeem , what are you doing, she slurred. Please stop , she said helplessly. "
" Hold on girl you got some wet, he said sickly . "
She couldn't believe what was happening . She tried to move but she was still so drunk that she couldn't. she turned her head as much as she could to see where everyone else was at, and why no one would help her. The only thing she saw were feet, arms , and legs hanging off the bed. Everyone was drunk sleep. All she could do was cry. She never felt so helpless in her life. She was betrayed by someone she thought was a friend.
As she sat on the bathroom floor crying, she felt sick. She didn't know if he used a condom or not , she didn't know if he came inside of her or not, she didn't know if he gave her a disease or not. She was disgusted. She began throwing up until her sister came running into the bathroom. She told her sister everything, and her sister was so angry she cried with her. She wanted someone to beat him up bad, hurt him like he hurt her. But soon she found out that she didn't have many friends like she thought she had. Of course he lied about it, there was never any way of proving anything to anyone because its always going to be my word against his.
She's been depressed for a long time now because of it. Her self esteem is gone and her confidence is broken. She blamed herself for everything. If she hadn't been drinking in the first place none of this would have happened. If she would have just left when her sister left, she would've been good. Now she goes through it with another man because she feels like that's what she deserves.
Fast forwarding to her 17th year a similar situation occurred, but this time much much worse. It was July 16th, 2010 a Friday. School had been out and everyone missed each other , so her and her friends planned a hotel party for their school friends . She didn't have a car so she called one of her friends ( or so she thought ) to come pick up her and her sister. his name was Hakeem. She met him at school , they have math class together. He's light complexioned, with his hair cut low, and he's about average height. He had his flaws in personality but I mean who doesn't. Once they got to the hotel everyone started coming. It got So packed so fast and unfortunately there was a lot of under age drinking going on. She had so much to drink that she was out of it. She remembers her sister getting into it with her boyfriend and he ended up coming to get her to take her home. She never though that she should've left with her until that next morning. When she woke up the next morning her head was pounding like like an angry drummer. She called her sister and let her know she was on her way back home. When Hakeem dropped her off he said something that she didn't quite understand when she got out of the car.
" what are you doing today ? he asked . "
" I think my sister and I will go swimming , she answered. "
"How are you going to go swimming and you're on your period, ? He asked her immediately regretting it afterwards. "
"How do you know that i'm on my period ? She wondered .
" You don't remember , you told me when you were drunk, he defended himself "
Although she blew it off she knew something wasn't right about that. She hated her period , she hated everything about it. She knew that no matter how drunk she was she would have NEVER told anyone she was on her period. Even if there was ever a possibility that she would, what could they have been talking about for her to give him the response that she was on her period.
She walked inside of the house head full of un answered questions, and immediately ran up the steps to brush her teeth. While she was brushing her teeth , she looked in the mirror and saw something that was a Purple-ish , Red color on her neck. When she realized what it was everything from last night flashed in her mind like a movie and she broke down crying.
FLASHBACK
She was so drunk that that her friend Jakyl laid her head down on a pillow and told her to go to sleep. The pillow was so soft that she had no choice but to lay down and go to sleep. she remembers waking up in the middle of the night with her pants down, and someone on top of her. She realized who it was and couldn't believe it.
"Hakeem , what are you doing, she slurred. Please stop , she said helplessly. "
" Hold on girl you got some wet, he said sickly . "
She couldn't believe what was happening . She tried to move but she was still so drunk that she couldn't. she turned her head as much as she could to see where everyone else was at, and why no one would help her. The only thing she saw were feet, arms , and legs hanging off the bed. Everyone was drunk sleep. All she could do was cry. She never felt so helpless in her life. She was betrayed by someone she thought was a friend.
As she sat on the bathroom floor crying, she felt sick. She didn't know if he used a condom or not , she didn't know if he came inside of her or not, she didn't know if he gave her a disease or not. She was disgusted. She began throwing up until her sister came running into the bathroom. She told her sister everything, and her sister was so angry she cried with her. She wanted someone to beat him up bad, hurt him like he hurt her. But soon she found out that she didn't have many friends like she thought she had. Of course he lied about it, there was never any way of proving anything to anyone because its always going to be my word against his.
She's been depressed for a long time now because of it. Her self esteem is gone and her confidence is broken. She blamed herself for everything. If she hadn't been drinking in the first place none of this would have happened. If she would have just left when her sister left, she would've been good. Now she goes through it with another man because she feels like that's what she deserves.
Monday, March 3, 2014
Love Is Blind 3............
" WHAT IS THIS ? " SHE SCREAMED IN DISMAY.
" YOU HAVE TO BE THE MOST SICK , DISGUSTING , THIRSTY , PERVERTED ASS MAN THAT I HAVE EVER CAME ACROSS IN MY LIFE. I REALLY CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. IS THIS THE TYPE OF PERSON YOU ARE. HOW COULD I NOT HAVE KNOWN ? I MEAN HOW COULD I HAVE KNOWN? WHAT ARE THE SIGNS OF THIS TYPE OF BEHAVIOR ? I CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT YOU WITHOUT WANTING TO THROW UP."
As bad as she wanted to keep going she couldn't. Not only was she at a loss for words but she also ran out of breath just as quickly. She was upset because she came across an e-mail and a password combination saved in his notes on his phone. she was curious so she typed in the e-mail and the password and saw things that mad her stomach turn. It was like deja-vu. He was doing the same thing as he was with the phone only this time it was worse. he made a fake facebook page, with a fake profile picture, and was writing all younger females telling them he would pay them if they have sex with him. what's even more sick about it , is that some of the girls actually agreed with this. The more she began thinking about everything she saw , it made her so sick that she couldn't hold back anymore. She ran to the bathroom and threw up all of her thoughts, all of her emotions , all the things she wanted to say but couldn't.
" Baby I don't know what to say. I'm embarrassed. I'm sorry , please forgive me. I don't know whats wrong with me. All I know is that i'm going to pray about it and I'm going to make this better. Please stop crying I hate seeing you cry. You're all I need , and all I want, just please don't go." He pleaded.
This time she didn't believe a word he said. Not only because this was just completely unforgivable, but because it almost sounded rehearsed. Its as if he was only saying what he thought was the right thing to say. Like he didn't really care at all he just knew thats what she wanted to hear, or so he thought. She was completely done this time so thats what she told him. She didn't want anything to do with him anymore , from this day forward he's nothing but someone she used to know. after she said those words the cold look in her eyes let him know that this wasn't like all the other times. she was really done this time. He couldn't take it, he couldn't imagine her in another mans arms. At that moment he imagined life without her and it broke him, so he began to cry hoping that this would soften her heart as it always did. How wrong he was. as he cried she looked at him as if she were piercing through his soul and simply stated the words " Now you see how it feel."
She ran in the other room to think. She was so full of anger she didn't know what to do or how to react to what just happened. She couldn't believe it , she didn't understand.
" YOU HAVE TO BE THE MOST SICK , DISGUSTING , THIRSTY , PERVERTED ASS MAN THAT I HAVE EVER CAME ACROSS IN MY LIFE. I REALLY CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. IS THIS THE TYPE OF PERSON YOU ARE. HOW COULD I NOT HAVE KNOWN ? I MEAN HOW COULD I HAVE KNOWN? WHAT ARE THE SIGNS OF THIS TYPE OF BEHAVIOR ? I CAN'T EVEN LOOK AT YOU WITHOUT WANTING TO THROW UP."
As bad as she wanted to keep going she couldn't. Not only was she at a loss for words but she also ran out of breath just as quickly. She was upset because she came across an e-mail and a password combination saved in his notes on his phone. she was curious so she typed in the e-mail and the password and saw things that mad her stomach turn. It was like deja-vu. He was doing the same thing as he was with the phone only this time it was worse. he made a fake facebook page, with a fake profile picture, and was writing all younger females telling them he would pay them if they have sex with him. what's even more sick about it , is that some of the girls actually agreed with this. The more she began thinking about everything she saw , it made her so sick that she couldn't hold back anymore. She ran to the bathroom and threw up all of her thoughts, all of her emotions , all the things she wanted to say but couldn't.
" Baby I don't know what to say. I'm embarrassed. I'm sorry , please forgive me. I don't know whats wrong with me. All I know is that i'm going to pray about it and I'm going to make this better. Please stop crying I hate seeing you cry. You're all I need , and all I want, just please don't go." He pleaded.
This time she didn't believe a word he said. Not only because this was just completely unforgivable, but because it almost sounded rehearsed. Its as if he was only saying what he thought was the right thing to say. Like he didn't really care at all he just knew thats what she wanted to hear, or so he thought. She was completely done this time so thats what she told him. She didn't want anything to do with him anymore , from this day forward he's nothing but someone she used to know. after she said those words the cold look in her eyes let him know that this wasn't like all the other times. she was really done this time. He couldn't take it, he couldn't imagine her in another mans arms. At that moment he imagined life without her and it broke him, so he began to cry hoping that this would soften her heart as it always did. How wrong he was. as he cried she looked at him as if she were piercing through his soul and simply stated the words " Now you see how it feel."
She ran in the other room to think. She was so full of anger she didn't know what to do or how to react to what just happened. She couldn't believe it , she didn't understand.
" What did I do ? She thought . I mean am I bad in bed , what's wrong with me ? I cook for him , I take care of him , give him a nice place to come home to. I rub his body when he's had a long day , I give him money any time I have it without him even asking for it. I support everything he does even if I don't always agree , I'm more than Faithful to him and this is the thanks I get in return ? "
As thoughts scrambled through her head she saw something sitting next to her. . When she replayed the events that happened in her head she thought "why not" . Although she knew there was no way possible she went in the bathroom anyways . As she waited for what seemed like two hours she couldn't believe what she saw . He walked in the bathroom and looked at her in dismay.
"I'M PREGNANT " she said in disbelief .
TO BE CONTINUED ........
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Love is Blind 2 .......
Why did she ever go back ? Why is Love so strong ? Why can't she let go ? She thought . I mean they say you attract who you are right ? Is this Gods way of showing her who She is/was ? She tried to think back , she couldn't remember being this selfish to anyone. She was never this mean to anyone was she ? She thought back harder . What about that guy Jamar ? You broke up with him to go with that other guy right ? But she was way too young then she didn't even think that mattered . That didn't count she thought . Then she thought harder and suddenly only one clear name clouded her mind . Maurice !!!! He was a guy that she really liked more then she ever liked anyone and he liked her too a lot . They were happy together . He did anything for her with no hesitation. He was every women's dream man . But no one wanted to see them happy with each other . Their Love for each other stirred up
A lot of hateful feelings from loved ones . She didn't want him to have to choose between family and her so she just let him go . She didn't give an explanation or anything she just stopped talking to him .
Could that be the reason she's going through what she's going through ? Or maybe because she broke up with him to go with the guy she's going with now as well. Still she couldn't remember ever treating a guy like this . She was always honest if ever asked anything . She was very sincere and always let a man feel like a man .
She seemed so strong on the outside . If you were to see her you wouldn't think anything was going on . I mean her smile brightens up the day like the middle of spring . Her laugh warms your heart . And her head is always held as high as a giraffes. But the inside ; the inside ached as if she just ran a 100 mile race . Her heart pounded slowly , as if it was going to give out soon . Her mind was gone , she didn't even know who she was anymore . Her confidence slowly began to fade.
"Am I ugly", ? She asked herself . What's wrong with me ? Is it my body ? Is it because my teeth aren't super straight like every other girl ? Is it because I don't have the hair that every guy dreams of ? Is it my voice ? Is it because my voice is deep ? Is it because of my personality ? Everyone thinks I'm a gangster but I'm really an innocent little girl on the inside . Is it because I have big dark brown eyes ? TELL ME WHAT IT IS , HER MIND SCREAMED AT HER .
She was so lost she began questioning God , which she soon regretted afterwards. God why ? Why did you make me like this ? Why did you make me this way ? Why couldn't I be one of those super pretty girls that all the guys drool over ? Why did I have to have so many brothers growing up ? I hate myself . I hate my voice . I hate my body . I hate my teeth . I hate my eyes . I hate everything about me !!!!! Just take me away please !!??
What's happening to me ? She wondered ! I've never questioned God before !! I'm sorry Father ! I will never question you again ! I don't know what came over me she cried ! But please just take me with you ! I don't want to be on earth anymore . I want to be with you . I want to be at peace . I want to get away from all the negativity , the drama , the lies , the betrayal , the deception , the wickedness of this world , and the evil spirits ! I don't want it God . Please forgive me for all my sins Father . Grab my hand and take me with you she begged as tears streamed down her face like an overflowing sink .
To be continued .........
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